Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Things I wish I could say to my Father.

I've often wondered what you think of me. If your heart swells with pride as mine does at the very thought of you. I am not a proud young man. Often I am overcome by emotions I cannot express and unlike you I cannot sing my heart so beautifully. Of all my talents, the words I write have more significance to me than I think you realize. It is not in song like yours but it is my way. Your songs hold more sway in who I am than I think even you know. I often find myself humming a tune, or singing lines to friends as I brag about just how amazing a Man you are. I feel sometimes like you don't believe in me though. And I know, I have given you little if no reason to believe in me. There are times when I think of leaving. Heading off to find whatever this world holds for me and yet I stay here. Close to you. I get sad because of this inner desire to make you proud of me and the knowledge that you are proud of me for nothing. I know it may sound silly but I feel unworthy of your respect. It's so rediculous, I've always taken the easy road. Be it by using drugs, or alcohol to numb my pain, my fear and my regret for not doing more with my life. Keep in mind. I do not desire fame and fortune or even real notoriety of any kind. I simply long to be heard, whether it by someone reading my words or hearing my voice. Why? You may ask. What do I think I have that no one else in this world besides a very fortunate few have? Well, I have You. And in my most humble and outspoken of opinions I want to share you with the world. I could write a thousand pages about how great a Man you are. I've read many stories about the great men throughout history. Stories about heroes who overcame seemingly unconquerable odds to dare to be great. And yet, they do not hold a candle to you in my eyes and heart. My one sense of pride is that many of my friends envy me because of you. Because I have a father like you. Someone who at the drop of a hat would do anything he could for me. My biggest failure I feel is that in so many ways I have failed you. Thereby failing myself. For in me are all the things that you could have done and still could do. It is by no accident that I share your name. I know, you gave me your name for a reason and while so far in my life I have not lived up to the gravity of the name we share, I hope one day I will. I feel sometimes that you gave up your dreams for me. That thought kills me but I also believe that in some small way I am your dreams materialized. I wish that I was more than I am. Not for me but for you. To show you what you have done. Again, I don't want riches and fame. I am already a rich man because of you. I am already famous in our small little place in the world because I am your son. And though sometimes I know you too feel like a failure I must protest. You are not a failure. You are my Father. You are the greatest man I have ever known or could hope to know. And if I had one wish it would not be for such passing things as stardome. No, it would be that before my life has run it's course I have told the world about you. That a man like you exists. Who by sacrifice, humility and a love for his family that I cannot give just reward in words lived. And I pray that you have passed these extraordinary qualities of righteousness on to me.

Hank Snow said, "I may not have a lot of gold but I have a little."
But I say, "I do not need a lot of gold. I have my Father."

-Lanny Carol Warhurst Jr.

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